I have allowed this action to manifest in my mind each time things do not turn out well in my favor or others' favor. It is definitely a kind of self infliction to my soul.
I think it all began when I started my motherhood journey, circumstances "forced" me to be ultra independent - something that was never in my dictionary because I have been fortunate not to experience any form of lack in my life before we started a family of our own.
When I had my first child, I was expected to be "the greatest indispensable mother" overnight. In order to live up to my own personal expectations (oooh the pressure I give myself of those who are watching me), I felt it was necessary to sacrifice all my time to be deemed as "a good mother". I didn't allow myself the room to make mistakes thus shouldered the blame for the slightest imperfection that I stumbled upon. It got really crazy because the need for myself to be a perfect mom and having perfect kids became quite obsessive in the earlier years of my motherhood journey. I could hardly just let myself go and appreciate parenting.
So there began the manifestation of expectations of myself to be good wife, mother and daughter. Likewise, I expect quite a fair bit from my husband and children. It sometimes make me uptight in my train of thoughts and the way I react to certain situations. I wonder at times, if I am considered no fun to be with at all.
I know for sure that I cannot fulfill every single expectations that come my way. I am learning to let some things go and trusting God for a lot of things now.
I don't wish to be so hard on myself anymore. I want to be happy and live simply. It is probably the best thing I can ever want to pursue in my life.
Till the next post, have a blessed week!