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Expectations.
I have allowed this action to manifest in my mind each time things do not turn out well in my favor or others' favor. It is definitely a kind of self infliction to my soul.
I think it all began when I started my motherhood journey, circumstances "forced" me to be ultra independent - something that was never in my dictionary because I have been fortunate not to experience any form of lack in my life before we started a family of our own.
When I had my first child, I was expected to be "the greatest indispensable mother" overnight. In order to live up to my own personal expectations (oooh the pressure I give myself of those who are watching me), I felt it was necessary to sacrifice all my time to be deemed as "a good mother". I didn't allow myself the room to make mistakes thus shouldered the blame for the slightest imperfection that I stumbled upon. It got really crazy because the need for myself to be a perfect mom and having perfect kids became quite obsessive in the earlier years of my motherhood journey. I could hardly just let myself go and appreciate parenting.
So there began the manifestation of expectations of myself to be good wife, mother and daughter. Likewise, I expect quite a fair bit from my husband and children. It sometimes make me uptight in my train of thoughts and the way I react to certain situations. I wonder at times, if I am considered no fun to be with at all.
I know for sure that I cannot fulfill every single expectations that come my way. I am learning to let some things go and trusting God for a lot of things now.
I am embarking on a journey to be grateful for who I am and what I have. To accept for things that happened, happened for a reason - it could be worst but its not. If something is not mine or meant-to-be to begin with, I should be contented with what I have than having desirous thoughts of what I could have.
I don't wish to be so hard on myself anymore. I want to be happy and live simply. It is probably the best thing I can ever want to pursue in my life.
Till the next post, have a blessed week!
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You're always worth it!
ReplyDeleteWe are hard on ourselves, and like you, it came to a point when I didn't like to be around myself!
Thankfully, I stopped short, and told myself they wont be kids forever - and learnt to let go. I think that the Moo boys are happier now, but most of all, I'm happier, too.
There was a time I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror because I will see myself with a bitter face. Not that I am not happy but I just feel from inside that I am not good enough, have not done enough, should have done this and that instead of doing it this way n that way. I think my depression is also the reason I am feeling this way.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm happier though some days this such feelings will creeps silently back but I am able to recognize it and stop it before it drags me down further.
Glad that you are trying to let go and live a happier life. No point being too hard on yourself. I'm sure you are PERFECT as you are now :)
ReplyDeleteSo glad to read this, Ade. I think we're all learning to let go. Sometimes, we take two steps back and fall into the same mode, but there's always grace to help and teach us and to guide us forward. I was blessed reading this!
ReplyDeleteMy hubby has been through a lot hearing my complaints. I can be uptight on many things, trust me. Thanks for sharing your experience, and I agree that it is no use trying to live up to expectations (even our own) because God provides in His time.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this and it's definitely a great reminder albeit a little hard (at least for me) to let go of everything overnight. But you're right - we all have things to be grateful for. And really like the last quote you posted. So very true :) Have a blessed week too!
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